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You've almost made it through! I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. You can tell from a quick glance at my blog bio that I'm a stepmother -- but I almost never write about it. It wasn't until a few years ago that I confided my feelings of failure to a counselor, who promptly informed me that what my family and I were experiencing was actually very, very common.
So many issues a blended family faces come from the divorce, which the stepmother (hopefully) had nothing to do with. Three, writing about step parenting while you're in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about divorce as you're going through it -- emotions are running rampant and very few writers can steer through the subject with grace and objectivity. This is simply what I have learned from my experience. Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault. Over and over and over again.
You're keeping it together. But know up front that I am going to limit this subject and its details to MY story, not the story of my stepdaughters or their mother. As wonderful as I'm sure you are, you can't fix that. You and your husband need to be each other's refuge, particularly when you're having issues with your children or stepchildren. I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic. Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with.
This was initially a tough one for me, because I thought my girls needed me to act just like I was their mom. Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. We all have the potential to be amazing. I am more reluctant to judge others. Stick with it and know that you will emerge from this a better person. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. And in the end, that's what matters. Don't compare yourself to other stepparents. Image via Zaman Babu/Flickr Creative Commons. But then puberty happened. Don't let it get you down.
Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. In retrospect, that was a HUGE mistake. I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? Now that I have raised my stepdaughters and had time to look back on the experience, I feel like I ran a gauntlet of tremendous emotional challenges and came across the finish line truly changed. Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. Somehow, we all muddled through adolescence and made it through to the other side. And then all hell breaks loose. And the girls came to live with us seven days a week.
Ultimately, zealously protecting your marriage benefits everyone -- your stepchildren need to see you and your husband stay together and fight for your relationship, even when times are tough. And I had two small children of my own. Remember what I said earlier? So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider. We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. I still believe I'm here for a reason. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't.
Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " I thought it was all my fault, and I was so ashamed at my failure that for years, I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't. And who wants to write about that? We are all imperfect. "They tell me ALL their secrets! " Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. Going to see a counselor helped me stop beating myself up and allowed me to realize that what we were experiencing was actually NORMAL.
I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. What a waste of energy. My own stepfather said this to me a few years ago. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter. How did I not know this? You are not their mother. I really, really, really needed to hear that.
Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. "You guys are doing great! My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome.