We've had many, many wonderful times together. You may agree -- you may disagree. You've almost made it through! So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider. And I had two small children of my own.
It's okay to take a step back. Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter. I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. Follow Lindsay on her Facebook page. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one. Don't let it get you down. You're keeping it together. How did I not know this? Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. We are all working toward that potential, in our own time and in our own way. Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault.
"You guys are doing great! Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with. "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " You can tell from a quick glance at my blog bio that I'm a stepmother -- but I almost never write about it. Protect your marriage at all costs. My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. We all have the potential to be amazing. As wonderful as I'm sure you are, you can't fix that. You and your husband need to be each other's refuge, particularly when you're having issues with your children or stepchildren. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. Do you know that I hear your exact same problems from nearly every blended family that comes in this room? It will teach them to do the same some day.
We are all imperfect. Also on The Huffington Post: And who wants to write about that? I still believe I'm here for a reason. I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic. And the girls came to live with us seven days a week. To be fair, things started out great. Somehow, we all muddled through adolescence and made it through to the other side. And then all hell breaks loose.
Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren. I now believe that a good stepmom is physically/emotionally available when her stepkids need and want her to be, and she backs off and becomes a behind-the-scenes supporter to her husband's parenting when they don't. My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome. Don't compare yourself to other stepparents. Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. So many issues a blended family faces come from the divorce, which the stepmother (hopefully) had nothing to do with. For me, that changed everything. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. Image via Zaman Babu/Flickr Creative Commons. Which brings us to number three. You might need to visit a few counselors/therapists before you find the one that's right for you.
You can't fix what you didn't break. Girl, you don't need a parade. It wasn't until a few years ago that I confided my feelings of failure to a counselor, who promptly informed me that what my family and I were experiencing was actually very, very common. Don't play the blame game. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. I am more reluctant to judge others. More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. This was initially a tough one for me, because I thought my girls needed me to act just like I was their mom. Even if they CALL you mom. Remember what I said earlier? Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships.
If childrearing issues are pulling you apart, pinpoint exactly what's hurting your marriage and protect your relationship in this area immediately and relentlessly. Divorce is one of the most devastating things a person will ever go through, and no one needs to hear from you how the ex-wife is handling it, or how her kids are acting out in the aftermath. Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. Maybe you even think your husband is to blame, because he always seems to take their side. What a waste of energy. Even if their biological mother rarely sees them. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. Silence is the best policy. We are all messed up, but you know what? Stick with it and know that you will emerge from this a better person. Suddenly, I felt like my relationship with my stepdaughters was disintegrating -- and nothing I did or didn't do seemed to help matters. But then puberty happened.
I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. And the experience actually ended up being a huge bonding point for my husband and me. Ultimately, zealously protecting your marriage benefits everyone -- your stepchildren need to see you and your husband stay together and fight for your relationship, even when times are tough. This is simply what I have learned from my experience. Over and over and over again.