You can own it with zero shame. There have been flaps and mistakes. It is not a sign that you're doing something wrong.
Here's what it looks like internally when you've achieved a goal and you experience shame. That just adds fuel to the fire and that actually helps me go help more people. Of course, guilt and shame often occur together to some extent. Much like I talk about confidence as willingness to experience any feeling, the willingness to experience any shame that comes up as you work toward your goal is similar. When Aristotle famously observed that "nobody uses fine language when teaching geometry", he assumed that the geometrical truth needed nothing more to be accepted. In Today's Episode We Discuss: 4:15 – Where goal shame originates from and how I see it in my clients. What we do sometimes is we flip the switch and we say, "Oh, yeah, " if someone says, "Are you really going to do all that hard work? " We say things like, "Yes, I'm going to make six figures, multiple six figures. Or they have health goals and explaining it away because they say the doctor told them to do it. If I grow, you grow. This definitely took her down a notch.
If they have started and are putting lots of effort in but still haven't reached it, there's probably shame in that how they're managing their time stage. When we feel ashamed, we turn our attention inward, focusing mainly on the emotions roiling within us and attending less to what is going on around us. Finally, last thing I want to offer you is that there's goal shame in achievement of a goal. I see in my Runway to Freedom business-coaching clients, they suffer from this by not making the tough decisions around hiring and firing or raising their rates. The way we deal with the goal progress creates that internal shame. You can make it mean that you're not capable, you can make it mean that you're not good enough, and you can make it mean that you're dreaming too big. That makes shame hard to identify and label. In numerous collaborations with Ronda L. Dearing of the University of Houston and others, she has found that people who have a propensity for feeling shame—a trait termed shame-proneness—often have low self-esteem (which means, conversely, that a certain degree of self-esteem may protect us from excessive feelings of shame).
I want you to own your goal. The number of people who have tested the truthfulness of that proposition directly through their senses is obviously much lower than the number of people who have never had such an opportunity. Or don't you think you're aiming a little bit high? We want to be able to say it's possible that I'm going to do all those things, but immediately we say who do we think we are to think that we can do that? I mean, you're not capable of doing that thing. The way it's happened is totally okay. They predict that they'll experience shame, because they're unsure if they'll actually show up for themselves. The opposite of shame is often thought to be confidence, shamelessness, or having no shame. I see women with relationship goals explain it away saying they are doing it for the other person. In his book about shame, Burgo outlines that there are four ways of looking at shame, which he refers to as "shame paradigms. " This is referred to as 'trait shame' because it acts like a personality trait, or something we carry with us wherever we go. That's self sabotage. Because I think that adjusting your goal so you feel less shame about it is the opposite of what is required to create things that will make your mind explode because you're able to actually do it.
Here, we'll talk about the science of shame to help you understand where it comes from and how to feel less ashamed. It doesn't have to be socially acceptable. But there is shame sometimes with people who think that working with me costs too much, thinking that people might say, "Oh, my gosh, you charge that much, " and I can sometimes have a thought that they must think that all I care about is money. In doing so, you present a novel perspective on our current age, which, following Alastair Campbell, you describe as the Age of Post-Shame. Bad for Your Health. I hope you have a beautiful week. In a 2009 study, Sera De Rubeis, then at the University of Toronto, and Tom Hollenstein of Queen's University in Ontario looked specifically at the trait's effects on depressive symptoms in adolescents. The euphoria over Donald Trump's defeat should not make us oblivious to the fact that Trump received more than 70 million votes. It's not that we've done something wrong.
They are holding out for the perfect job, the perfect time, the perfect situation, or their body to feel perfect before going after their goal. Similarly, it rarely occurs to us that we should personally verify the chemical composition of water in appropriate laboratory conditions to be certain that it is H2O or do archival and other types of research to accept the truth of the proposition that Napoleon waged a war against Russia in 1812 (or even that he existed for that matter). The rules of the game of chess cannot determine the grammar of that game: to give a simple example, that chess is a game and must be treated as such is not itself a rule of chess. I really want to encourage you not to do that. You can just want what you want. Because I've committed to making it happen.